Meeting a casual date safely

Meeting someone you've only messaged is the point of the exercise, and most first meetings are uneventful in the best sense. The habits below cost almost nothing and remove most of the ways it could go wrong.

Before you agree to meet

Keep talking in the members area, do a short video call, and watch for a handful of warning signs. That's the whole of the pre-meeting homework.

Keep talking in the members area for now. It keeps your phone number to yourself, and if someone turns out to be unpleasant, the profile and messages are there to report. Moving to a messaging app can wait until you've met.

Do a quick video call. Two minutes on camera answers the biggest question, whether this person looks like their photos, and people with something to hide tend to find reasons not to. Black Book of Sex reviews photos but doesn't check what members write about themselves, so this is a check worth doing yourself.

Know the warning signs. Stop talking to anyone who:

• pushes to move off the site within minutes;
• avoids every specific question about themselves;
• tells a story that ends in needing money, gift cards or crypto;
• presses for intimate photos before you've met;
• wants the first meeting at their home, or yours, and won't consider anywhere else.

Staying safe describes the common scams and where to report them.

Tell someone: your check-in plan

A friend who knows where you are is the single most useful safety measure there is. The Suzy Lamplugh Trust, the UK personal-safety charity, advises checking in with that person before, during and after a date.

Before you go, send a trusted friend:

• the person's first name and username, and a screenshot of their profile;
• where you're meeting and roughly when;
• the time you'll check in, and what they should do if you don't.

Something as short as this does the job (an example to adapt):

Meeting "Sam" from the site, 7.30 at the Crown on the high street. Screenshot attached. I'll text you by 10. If you haven't heard, ring me, and if I don't answer, ring again in 15 minutes.

Then actually check in. This is the page of your black book that matters most.

Where to meet the first time

Somewhere busy, public and familiar to you, with an easy exit. A city-centre pub, a hotel bar or a café that stays open late all work.

• Your own way there and back. Drive, take a train or book your own taxi, so you can leave the moment you want to without asking anyone.
• Phone charged, and money for a cab home that you won't need to ask anyone for.
• Give yourself permission to leave. "It's been nice, I'm going to head off" is a complete sentence.

Drinks, and what to do about spiking

Spiking means putting alcohol or drugs into someone's drink, or their body, without their knowledge. Keep your drink in sight, go easy, and don't accept a drink you didn't see poured.

If you or your date suddenly feel far drunker than you should, confused or unwell, tell the bar staff at once and stay with someone you trust. Many UK venues take part in Ask for Angela: ask staff for "Angela" and they'll help you leave discreetly. In an emergency call 999 (UK), 911 (US) or 000 (Australia); for urgent medical advice in England, Scotland or Wales, call NHS 111.

Talking about what happens next

Casual doesn't mean unspoken. Say what you'd like and what you won't do, and listen to the answer. Agreeing to a drink is not agreeing to anything else, and neither is a flirtatious conversation, a membership or a hotel room booked in advance.

The law puts it plainly. In England and Wales, section 74 of the Sexual Offences Act 2003 says a person consents if they agree by choice and have the freedom and capacity to make that choice. In Scotland, section 12 of the Sexual Offences (Scotland) Act 2009 defines consent as free agreement. In practice: someone who is pressured, asleep or too drunk to decide can't consent. Either of you can change your mind at any point, and the other stops.

If you go somewhere private

Only after you've met in public first. Text your friend where you're going, including the address, and keep your own way home: it's easier to leave a place you can leave by yourself. Many people prefer a hotel to either home until they know someone better, which also keeps your address to yourself.

Sexual health: testing, PEP and emergency contraception

Condoms protect you both against most sexually transmitted infections, and regular testing is ordinary good manners in casual dating. If something goes wrong, such as a condom splitting, time matters.

PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis) is a course of HIV medicine taken after a possible exposure. It has to start within 72 hours, and the sooner the better. Emergency contraception also works best the sooner it's taken.

Afterwards

Check in with your friend when you're home. If you'd rather not see the person again, a short, polite message is enough; you owe nobody a long explanation. If they don't take no for an answer, stop replying and report the profile.

If something goes wrong

If you're in danger, leave, go to staff or other people, and call 999 in the UK, 911 in the US or 000 in Australia.

If you've been sexually assaulted, it isn't your fault, and support is available whether or not you report it to the police. Medical care and evidence collection are time-sensitive, so seek help soon.

Report the member through the members help centre with their username; the contact page explains how. For the privacy side of all this, see keeping casual dating private, and for the wider picture, how casual dating sites work.